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• You admit that you hold NO POWER over this site, its content, or its operations and can take a joke cause this is obviously a joke *wink*.
• MortDonalds™ and Universal Mortis Media are NOT RESPONSIBLE for any self-inflicted depressive spirals, existential catastrophizing, hurt feelings, or any form of psychological damage caused by visiting this site.
• You understand that consumption of multiverse meats may result in unpredictable side effects including but not limited to: interdimensional awareness, temporal displacement, and/or spontaneous philosophical questioning.
Also, you’re okay that we hate gnomes here.
Serving Premium Fantasy Meats Since 2350 BCE
(site under construction)
Welcome to MortDonalds, where we bring you the finest cuts from across every dimension, plane, and reality! Our signature burgers and Mortfries™ are crafted from ethically-sourced* fantasy races, prepared fresh daily!
A lean, gamey meat with subtle aquatic notes reminiscent of alligator. The texture is firm with a pleasant chew, carrying hints of marsh herbs and wild fennel. Best served with our signature Corpse Condiment!
Those insufferable little pests finally put to good use! As we always say, a good gnome is a dead gnome, and so to reflect that we grind the meat extra fine to really pulverize their existence. The meat carries notes of tinkered machinery oil and wild mushrooms, surprisingly tender once properly processed. Best served well-done to erase every trace of their unfortunate presence!
Our most popular item! Human meat offers a familiar, mild flavor often compared to premium pork. Versatile and consistently marbled, with subtle notes of existential dread and broken dreams. The taste that feels like home!
Dense, robust, and intensely flavorful. Dwarf meat is heavily marbled with a rich, earthy taste infused with natural notes of ale, iron ore, and ancient stone. The texture is remarkably firm, perfect for those who like their burgers hearty!
Delicate, almost ethereal in texture with a naturally sweet, floral essence. Elf meat carries hints of starlight, ancient forests, and a subtle pompousness that dissolves on the tongue. Low in fat, high in pretension. Simply divine!
An exotic delicacy! The upper torso provides tender, human-like meat while the serpentine lower half offers firm, white flesh similar to premium python. A complex flavor journey with notes of venom (neutralized), mystery, and seduction. Two meats in one!
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Why settle for regular fries when you can have MORTFRIES? Our revolutionary fusion combines crispy, golden potato fries with succulent meat chunks embedded directly inside each fry!
Each Mortfry is carefully crafted by injecting premium ground meat (your choice of any race!) into specially-bred hollow potatoes. These potatoes are lovingly raised, forced to fight to the death so only the strongest survive, then *ethically put down and deep-fried to perfection. The result? An explosion of meaty goodness with every crispy bite!
Popular Combinations: Dwarf-Stuffed Mortfries (extra hearty!), Elf Elegance Fries (lean & refined), or our signature Human Classic Mortfries!